The rise of sober dating: here’s how to get it right this Dry Jan (and beyond)
January might sound like the most depressing time to abstain from alcohol, but nevertheless: every year, millions of people swear off it entirely in the name of starting off the New Year the right way.
And in fact, sober living is on the rise. Of the estimated 9 million Brits who will be abstaining from drinking in January, many will be seeking to continue that streak into the rest of the year and beyond.
Gen Z is already one of the cleanest-living generations in memory. In 2021, it was revealed that 38 per cent of 16 to 24 year olds and 21 per cent of 25 to 34 year olds either don’t drink or hadn’t drunk in the past 12 months.
Throw in the increasing number of celebs – Tom Holland, Rihanna, Bella Hadid – who are giving up the bottle for good in the name of their mental and physical health, and what you have is a wellness trend that is becoming increasingly, well, trendy.
But with that comes a whole host of different challenges. Good news: you’re no longer in danger of drinking too much at work parties, or indeed, at nights at the pub with friends. Plus, that wallet is looking mighty healthy. But on the downside, you now have a whole new gauntlet to run.
Enter the sober date. Dating is already one of the most nerve-wracking past-times out there – anybody fancy spending a few hours in a pub with a complete stranger in the interests of finding out if you’re compatible? – but increasingly, the rise in the number of people going sober means figuring out new ways to approach this most stressful of pastimes.
Tom Holland is one of an increasing number of celebs going sober
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Gooch, 32, went sober six years ago and founded the Sober Girl Society shortly afterwards, which operates as a community and place of support for women who are thinking of quitting drinking. In recent years, the number of people coming to her group has “skyrocketed” – as has the number of people talking about the issue of sober dating.
“It comes up in our community a hell of a lot,” she says. “It’s one of the most common conversation topics. It’s one of the things that people struggle with most, because I think alcohol is so tied into dating and meeting people.”
Among the main worries: when to tell people, how to navigate the awkwardness of an already awkward situation without the social crutch that alcohol presents, and the issue of finding somebody who’s views on drinking align with yours. There’s also the “added element” of sober sex: “people like to have Dutch courage on dates, especially when they’re sleeping with someone for the first time. So that comes up quite a lot as well.”
Gooch has her own experience of sober dating to draw on for advice: “I was single when I first got sober, and I was 26 and I did find them nerve wracking. And then they get easier. The more you do it, like anything in sobriety, the more you get used to it.”
Janey Lee Grace agrees. She’s been sober for seven years and was single when she decided to quit. The result has been a lot of dates, arranged both in person and via dating apps, but there have been unexpected perks.
“I think what sober dating has done for me is, you really cut to the to the chase much quicker.” she says. “You don’t have those very drunken dates where you think you’re really into someone. Then you go on a few dates, and then you end up realising that there’s no substance there. You get to know very quickly if you like somebody or not, if that chemistry is really there.”
Seedlip is one of an increasing number of alcohol free drinking alternatives
Seedlip
There has also been a sea change in peoples’ perceptions of sober dating – perhaps aided by the blossoming alcohol-free drinks market, which these days includes Tom Holland’s Bero and Seedlip. Gooch first entered the dating scene in 2018 – and when she started dating again at 30, she found it had become “much more normalised.”
“When I was like 26, I did get a few mixed reactions, of like, ‘Oh, it’s a bit boring,’ or weird, or people just ghosting me after I told them, whereas [more recently], people seem way more open to it. And from what I hear from the girls in our community, that is only getting better.”
For Grace, the same thing applies. “ I think there’s a definite shift towards more mindful drinking,” she says. “And I think people generally respect that. I think the narratives have changed around sober dating. I definitely had this perception of people who didn’t drink before myself: ‘’you must be boring’ or ‘what’s the point’, or ‘why would you bother going out?’ But I think there is a shift around doing different things, not just going to a pub.”
In the past, she says, she would have been nervous around telling people about her sobriety, but that shift in attitude has made things easier. “If you’re bothered about that, you’re not for me. But if it’s going really well and you’re messaging someone, is it going to put them off? If it does, they aren’t for you anyway. But I find less people are.”
Thinking about dating sober this year? Here are Millie’s expert tips for getting started
Just the tonic: Club Soda in Covent Garden is a refreshingly alcohol-free alternative to London’s off-licences
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Get comfortable – Make every date as comfortable as you possibly can be. When I used to date, when I was drinking, I would stuff myself into a tiny little mini skirt and wear heels and just feel really uncomfortable. I’d be like, ‘Oh, it’s fine, because I’m just gonna mainline a bottle of rose.’
Whereas now I’m like, ‘No, I’m gonna dress in something I’m really comfortable in, I feel confident in, I’m not going to be self-conscious about.
Meet a friend – What I would find is, if I met a friend before the date, they would really hype me up. And I would feel really confident going into the date. We would have a nice drink – alcohol free, obviously – beforehand. And if I went on the date and it didn’t work out, it kind of still reminded me that, you know, I’ve got my friends, so if it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out.
Tell people upfront – Some people I know do just wait until they’re on the date. But… I wanted people to know upfront, so that if they did have a problem with it, I wouldn’t have to bother going on the date and wasting my time. And I didn’t want to sit opposite someone and then see them feel really awkward about it when I spoke to them.
When they would say, ‘Would you like to go for a drink?’ I’d say, ‘Yeah, absolutely. Just so you know, I don’t drink alcohol, but I’m really up for a non-alcoholic beer or something.’ And then if people reacted negatively, fine, I just wouldn’t bother going on a date, and if they reacted positively, then it was something that I didn’t have to worry about going into the date.
Have a say in the date – try and schedule in an activity rather than a trip to the pub. Try something interactive like mini-golf, darts, or even going to the cinema. If you do end up going to a bar, make sure that it’s somewhere with good alcohol-free options (try Club Soda in Covent Garden for a good place to start).
I don’t think there’s anything like less sexy than only being able to get a pint of Diet Coke on a date and having to sit with that. It’s nice if you can go somewhere and you can get, a really good alcohol-free cocktail or something like that.
